May 21, 2012

In Actuality!

This was written by me some years back. Having found this the other day in my diary, I felt that this was probably worth an entry into my blog unlike the others. This is neither an article nor a poem alone, but a combination of both. I guess the cluelessness, somewhere also resembles my state of mind then. Wonder why did I let dust to settle on this all this while?

I tell you that I am afraid of heights,
And without a doubt you believe,
When in reality I am just afraid of Falling,
Now, tell me did I deceive?

I say to you that I hate silence,
And in me, you blindly trust,
Actually I am scared of the void it creates,
Please let me know if I was unjust?

Today, I shall confide in you that,

It is not the turbulent waves that scare me,
But my capacity to resist them!
It is not the trust that worries me,
But the damage it would cause if I am ever let down!

I am not apprehensive to walk together,
But afraid that you might just disappear!
I am not petrified to cry,
But wonder if the world will laugh at my tears!

I am not terrified to dream,
But I am fearful of having to wake up again!
It is not the darkness I detest,
But am perturbed about what might be hiding within!

The confrontation is not what bothers me,
As much as the fact of being misunderstood yet again!
I am not afraid of hanging on
But to live yet another lie in vain!

It doesn’t matter to let go,
But worry of leaving a major part of me behind!

And so,
I stay away from heights,
try to befriend silence,
I run away from signs of turbulence,
And turn away from trust,
I attempt to walk alone,
Strive to hide my tears,
I lock my dreams away,
And shield myself from love,
I dare not explore darkness,
Hesitate to confront,
I am reluctant to hang on,
And am unable to let go!

My fears might be misinterpreted but that still makes me a coward, doesn't it?


May 18, 2012

Web of Dreams

I had known that it would rain but the moron that I am, I hadn’t still bothered to reach home early. No prizes if you guess that I was completely drenched by the time I was back. It seemed like the clouds were trying to tell a secret they had kept to themselves from a very long time. They were roaring accompanied by lightening, cold breeze and as always there was no power.  Sadly, I was home alone that very day. However, I did not know that it would be so difficult for me to catch some sleep and worse was that I had nothing to indulge in or call anyone. Irritated, I pulled an easy chair, next to the window and enjoyed the breeze.

I thought it was the perfect time for some music and that was when I remembered my cell. Whoa! How I could forget it for so long, I wondered. It had been bliss ever since I ported from the old snail-ish Airtel to a faster Vodafone. My phone felt like the most powerful device especially after I had activated the internet. Dropping the idea of music, I thought of checking on the weather since I had noticed that the Rain Gods were becoming a little too kind on us. The report widget indicated that it was one of the worse showers in Bangalore. I then, checked TOI for some news on it but was relieved that no major causalities were reported. Meanwhile, I found my brother on Gtalk and ensured that they were fine back home.

Bored again! I logged into FB only to notice a recent update from my neighbor. Rovio, a 10 year old was renowned for all his pranks and tortures on the every pet in the apartment. I was taken over by suspicion when I found that he had mentioned about a white mice, some kind of a trap, the parking lot and stuff. Instantly, I knew that it was an old neighbor Sharma uncle’s pet. Without waiting a minute, I called up my security guard only to find my calls unanswered. Alas! having to deal with this myself and thanking that I resided in the first floor of the apartment I went to the parking lot with the help of my mobile torch (an android application). As soon as I approached a vacant room I heard some noises coming from it. Thankfully, the door was ajar and through a dim light I could see the “Mouse Trap”. It was only when I realized that the notorious kid wasn’t around that I was relieved. But, my relief was short-lived when I found Tom inside. Now, Tom was a strange pet cat of another neighbor. Most of us found him annoying. He was nicknamed “Talking Tom” since he would always purr or meow for no reason at all. Here, he was waiting gladly to pounce on the mouse.  Finally, I succeeded and managed to shoo away the talking Tom and saved the Mouse from the Trap. 

After returning the Mouse to Sharma uncle, I came back home a little disappointed that I had not found Rovio. A little too hungry by now, I had no choice but go on a “Cooking Dash”. Along with some doughnuts and chicken I also planned to have some fruits. I was lazy otherwise but thanks to the “FRUIT NINJA” knife, life was easy. My attempt to sleep was again foiled by absence of electricity. Alone and bored to death, I thought that the best thing now would be to clean up my cluttered desk. I pulled up the waste paper bin and tossed all the unwanted paper into it (Paper toss) and strangely loved doing this.

It was already 9 when I heard a knock on my door. Initially, I was a little apprehensive but was eased when I heard Uncle Sharma’s voice. On opening the door, I learnt that he had come to borrow some bandages for Rovio. On asking, he pointed towards Rovio who sat on the staircase. Figuring out that I was still annoyed with him, Uncle told me to take it easy since Rovio is just a kid and left. I went towards Rovio as he sat visibly upset and his hand bleeding. It took a little while, but he broke the silence telling that he had already apologized to uncle. Phew! I tried to be a little lenient on him and asked as to how he hurt himself. The moment I knew it was his own pet; I knew he had learnt his lesson. His Red Bird had done this to him when he tried to feed it and worse was it flew away. He had played pranks on so many pets around but finally it was the bird he loved that was angry? (Angry Bird). I couldn’t stop laughing and checked if his parents are home. When he revealed that he was home alone too and hungry, I asked him to drop in for dinner.

Ten minutes to his arrival, just when I thought he was done with his mischief, I heard a loud noise from the kitchen. When I entered I saw that my favorite dinner sets were shattered all over the floor and there was no sign of Rovio around. It was when my cell phone beeped again that I noticed a new status in FB- “Mouse escaped but the diner sets are shattered.” To my surprise, there was a like already and shockingly from Uncle Sharma. Another message on twitter from Rovio to me said- “Haven’t you ever seen a tomato sauce?”. That moment, I realized that I was taken for a ride and had made a fool out of me.
However, more than being sad or annoyed , I could feel a pain in my right hand. Within some time, I realized that it was a mosquito and also that I just woke up.  I had slept away playing some games on phone and browsing the net sitting by the window. The fact that I hadn't called up anyone was because my phone’s battery had already dried up and everything else was just a dream. The power wasn't back yet, but I couldn't stop smiling when I thought over how addicted I was to my phone. I always worried that my bills would increase(which hardly did) when I downloaded applications on my Phone through internet but hadn't ever thought that all the games I played and the applications downloaded would weave such a web(net) of dreams. Rovio is the company which has designed the game Angry birds and the boy Rovio in dreams was actually a kid next door called Rohit. So, what if there was no power or source of entertainment, my dreams were more than enough. Internet is truly fun especially on Vodafone. 

Submitted for the contest by IndiBlogger and Vodafone

May 10, 2012

Part of My Soul!

I was completely exhausted both physically and mentally. After having travelled (almost one and a half hour everyday) to Moodabidri continuously for the last 10days (a place close to Mangalore) to conduct training to kids of Rotary school, I felt I couldn’t remain sane anymore. Mentally, I wondered how was I even eligible to take personality development training to those kids, when I did not know what the hell is happening in my own life.  These were the thoughts running in my head as I tried to catch some sleep. To add onto the already existing miseries my aunt woke me up leaving me utterly distressed or probably infuriated because I had just slept some minutes ago or so I had assumed. Despite being so worn out, I wondered why was it that I couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t very noisy around because hospitals are always meant to be silent, aren’t they? 

On waking up, I recollected that I was lying down on the cold hospital floor from almost three hours now; when I had actually planned to sleep only for 15 minutes. A chord of guilt struck within me since I knew Dad wouldn’t have been able to sleep even that night just like the last 6 months because someone had to be beside Mom. Didn’t they? It was past 3.00 AM on May 11th 2004 and I got up wiping my drowsy eyes. As I looked around I saw my brother (12 year old then) fast asleep. Smiling to myself, I realized that Dad wasn’t in the room. Strangely, it did not worry because Dad kept visiting the canteen to have some tea so that he could stay awake.

Glancing through the room, I looked at my Mom and was relieved to see her sleeping. Being in pain for some months now, I couldn't remember the last time I saw her sleep so peacefully. Strangely, she didn't need her oxygen mask any more. Phew! I was relieved and happy. Finally things would come back to the normal self again. As I pulled a chair to sit next to her, my maternal uncles and Grandmother came in. I was astounded to find them because they were meant to be in native and it would easily take 2 hours for them to reach Mangalore. The sleep deprived person that I was, neither had I bothered to ask them anything nor did they talk. I found them extremely upset though.

I believe that there are instances when deep within you feel uneasy and your voice keeps telling you the truth. But you choose to not hear it. This was one such day. The silence around was bothering me but it worried me only when I noticed people crying. What a dumb 18 year old I was to not follow the clue probably all gave me. Nobody disturbed me thinking I was upset. And there I was making a fool out of myself thinking everything was going to be perfect again. The realization seeped in. People came in and went. The hospital staff came and went by. But I did not lift my head and look at anyone. I was blank!

 Finally, I gathered the courage to look at my Mom. There she was lying down like she would wake up the next minute I call her and yell at me for disturbing her. As I touched her feet, I wondered aren’t people who are no more supposed to be cold, but My Mom was still warm. Everything was just the way we wanted it to be.  I had assumed she wouldn’t lose her fight with Cancer this time because she had won a similar battle with it 8 years before this. Wasn’t Cancer supposed to be weak if she had beaten it earlier? As such insensitive thoughts ran through my head, I knew I have noticed one more thing and it was that she wasn’t breathing anymore. AND THE TIME STOOD STILL!!!

I walked out of the room towards the hospital corridor and stood before a big window and looked out. Lying before me was a huge vacant ground and the sky which looked like it would break into dawn. I wondered if the nature was mocking at me. It was ironical because I too stood empty and could break down anytime. Strangely, I did not. Well! I did not know I was so strong enough. I sat down on a bench very close to the balcony. The visitors had increased but I couldn’t register anything. Then I noticed that my brother was next to me with his half drowsy eyes. I couldn’t bear to see him or anyone. I couldn’t look into anyone’s eyes and keep up this strong self. Strangely enough, something inside me was breaking; the sound within me was deafening me. The results were mere tears. I got up to walk towards the window when my brother asked me the reason to be upset since we are going home now. Not knowing how to react to that innocent statement, I just gave him a blank stare. The next thing I saw was he running towards the room where My Mom slept peacefully. Within minutes, I saw a mirror image of mine on the opposite bench with the same expression or the blankness I had. The only difference was that it was my brother. We did not have anything to talk and we did not dare to maintain any eye contact. Silence prevailed accompanied with little tears.

Once back home, I saw many familiar faces all of them who had come to pay their condolences. But my friends were the only relief. I guess one never gets to know the goodwill they have created unless they are no more. It was the same with my Mom. Many of her patients had come for the last rites. I somehow till date fail to understand how someone who has a name is suddenly referred to as a mere “BODY” minutes after they stop breathing. I was amazed at the pace at which people had started referring her with that term. It annoyed me. There were relatives who threw tantrums and others who came truly wanting to pay condolences. But to me, it did not matter.  I had very well learnt as to who actually mattered and who are just not worth your time. I was my normal self with everyone. It is strange how mechanical your actions can be. I just did what everyone around asked me to do. I badly wanted to be left alone, but that is how it was anyways going to be isn’t it?

After the huge battle, Cancer had finally managed to convince Mom to give up the struggle. She knew all the results the chemo sessions and radiation would have on her physically and mentally because she was a Doctor herself. Along with herself she had prepared us too, but certainly not for anything as drastic as this. I remember one evening as she lay on her bed, she had told me that one will mourn over a loved one’s death only for may be a month or two or an entire year, but not longer. I had argued enough opposing it but she did not budge. She had told me that life would have to go on. Unlike then, today I know that she had meant every word she spoken. How much ever you want, there is nothing you can do to change the already occurred event. I too felt the anger, the helplessness, the guilt and all of it. But, we all had to move on gathering the bits and pieces of our life which had been shattered all over by then. This incident did take a toll on all the three of us but I am glad that we never allowed that incident to take control of our lives.

I guess this is the first time I am ever speaking about anything so personal in such a forum. May be, that is how it is because after one point we have to accept it. Anyways you don’t have a choice, Do you? That fatal day of May 11 2004, has changed all the three of us immensely. The void it has created will never ever be filled and everything will always remain incomplete.  I have figured out after all these years that when we lose a loved one; they take away a part of our soul along with them. It shall be 8 years for tomorrow that she gave up on us, gave up her struggle, gave up her willing to survive and gave up all her pending dreams. She was just 44. No matter how old I get; how many grey hairs I have or how many teeth gets knocked out she is going to always remain young in my mind. 

She will be forever remembered,