December 22, 2012

Shattered Soul - Delhi Rape!

Even before thanking whosoever for the Mayan prediction going wrong, I wonder if it’s really worth living. The Delhi Gang-rape has being doing rounds in all leading news papers, TV channels and social media. I hear everybody expressing their anguish on this case and people offering their full fledged support to both the victims.The Media is lashing out everyone left, right, and center People have taken onto streets marching day and night to seek justice for her. Women right activists have displayed their wrath. BJP has not left a stone unturned to take onto Congress wherein Congress which is in soup now seems to get away by providing her a free intestinal transplant. The high court claims that civilians are losing Faith in the judiciary and has questioned the Delhi police as to where they were when the bus was doing rounds in Delhi streets for 45 minutes with a Girl being tortured by 6 psyched up, evil and soulless men. Little do they identify that all the police resources in India are paid more for the protection of our so called miserable politicians than safeguarding the citizens.

WTF is happening around? I just can’t make any damn sense when I hear cases like these and also agonizing cases like Baby Falak. Human trafficking, Prostitution, Begging rackets and Honor killing have become just mere terms. This Girl has been raped by six men after they assaulted the poor girl’s private parts with an iron rod, leaving her ribs broken and her intestine so badly damaged that the doctors had to cut it out since it turned gangrenous. Both the victims were then tossed on the street and died every minute there for almost an hour with nobody came out to help them. 

Meanwhile, our Goddamn Police who give their last minute entry (just like in the movies) claim that they failed to notice a Bus doing rounds in same street several times. Well! It’s so silly isn't it? How would the poor fellows notice, the bus had tinted glasses after all. These fat bellied officials didn't even remember that tinted glasses have been banned. Kudos! to the keen observations and memory power. The result of her being hospitalized has created the chain of events comprising of Women’s right activists, politicians, civilians and court. Finally, like a cherry on the desert Sonia Gandhi does a merciful act of visiting the Victim. And then the media cashes out on this tragedy framing every person who is crossing the way. 

Everyone around me claims that this is no normal situation. They say there is a huge outcry from the whole nation. They pronounce that the protesters have taken onto the street, there are mid-night marches and more so that celebrities have spoken up on the issue. All I have to say is, “You gotto be kidding me?” I have always heard these cries- “Hang them” and sorry I don’t find this thing any different. Heated discussions by prominent people on TV, blog posts like mine are not unusual. This happens every fucking time something so heinous takes place. What I am looking at is if something unusual happens. The chances of which seems very minute. 

I wish that Police act instead of offering consoling statements. I am sick and tired of signing all the petitions that comes into my inbox every time such horrendous crime happens. This time I haven’t. Not because I do not support her. But, the case is so brutal that she should get justice even without the damn petitions. Well, I do not think that any justice will serve for the torturous 45 minutes of her life. Her broken ribs, infected intestine can all be repaired (I pray). What about the damage to her soul? Nothing can ever be done. All, we can hope is no other human being undergoes such torture.

India seems to me like a godforsaken country. Politics, corruption, illegal activities are all so fucking interlinked that one who is inside cannot come out and one on the outside wont dare to get in. I say this because I don’t see a reason why none of the delhites helped these two victims when they lay on the road bleeding for one hour. None want to get their hands dirty. The question is why. Ours is a society which claims that a Girl invites Rape because of the clothes she wears. What a Girl chooses to wear is completely her business. However provocatively one is dressed, it doesn't mean that you are invited or that she wants to be exploited. What you touch is not only a piece of her cloth but her body and soul. No one ever has a right to touch her without her permitting it in whatever way you are related to her. Anyways, none can guarantee that if one is covered head to toe they become Rape- proof, Can they? 

Offences are becoming severe as days pass, petty crimes are turning into unforgivable sins, small smuggling into big time scams and yet the rules are fucking same. When everything is at your fingertip, getting justice out of all takes an entire lifetime. In fact you are unbelievably lucky if you get the deserved justice when you are alive. The age bar which was in 20’s five years ago has stooped down to 2 or 3 year old. Barbaric is all I can say? Why does one wait for a doomsday to end the world when you have such Satans roaming just around you? 

Crimes against women, women isn't treated equal. Come on! Wake up! these sexual abuses happen against men too. I am in no way taking any sympathies away from this very victim but that is the fact. Thinking of it, I wonder if one section of our society can ever accept that there are men in our society who too have undergone such wretchedness. 

The issue here is not mere Men. Not all Men are rapists. It is these godforsaken sickening psychotic people who get into such atrocious and dreadful acts which no sane minded, clear headed and morally right person can ever in his wildest dreams think of committing. These guys anyways have a half fucked up brain and know that they can get away with the kind of system we have in our nation. It’s high time to set an example and change the law. Proclaim castration or death as a sentence without batting an eyelid. Change the rules! And if any human right activists come into court where this verdict is given begging for fair justice for these barbarians cancel their license or whatsoever that exists. Nobody should ever think of giving them a benefit of life. Along with all this, one should ensure that kids get sex education in school. Parents should start it at home and let their son know that his sister too is an equal. If one can’t agree to this idea of girls being equivalent then first stop praying to all those Goddesses whom you believe and have faith in. 

Holy Shit! If you ask what should the punishment for these uncivilized, uncultured barbarians be. I simply don’t know! All I know Death itself would be way too less.


November 18, 2012

Picture on the Wall!

27th Aug 2007
It will take a long time for them to come in terms with reality. There wasn’t even a minute when they didn’t glance at me. Edward kept crying whole day long. I wish I could let them know that they have to move on and that things are going to be fine.

A week later
There is some normality in their routine now. It is nice to see Edward finally having his food and not crying for me.  If he has accepted things the way it is, I am sure others will too. Both Eddie (Edward) and Ellie have begun to go to school.  Josh seems to be a little tired managing this, but he certainly is doing a great job. He always was a great Father. Even though I never gave up and said I was the best, I always knew he was the best out of us both.

30th Sep 2007
 Things from the outside look perfectly normal. They have caught up with the pace of life pretty well. After all they got to make up for all of the time they lost thinking of me. Eddie and Ellie have become less dependent now. But, there are times when they break down silently. Sadly, even though it is because of me there is nothing much I can do.

2nd Dec 2007
Josh confessed that he is unable to focus on work with so many things happening around. Hence, I was surprised to see him come home with a best performer trophy. I was always so proud of him. I wonder if he realized it ever. Eddie has stopped asking for my whereabouts and Ellie did tell me that she is glad because she doesn’t have to lie to him anymore. But, later she did come to me again after ensuring nobody is around and checked if lying would bring her to me faster and also said she would consider lying if it actually would.

25th Dec 2007
My Family chose to break the tradition this year while the whole world celebrated Christmas.

1st Jan 2008
It was moving to see Jeff slip into the kids’ room day before night to keep their Christmas and New Year gifts. He secretly told me that he realizes that I would have been upset since Christmas wasn’t the usual and wanted to make up for it by celebrating the New Year.  It is 11.30 AM now and they are still fast asleep. Actually, I did wonder if they would over look the New Year too. All thanks to Kevin and Family who stepped in like every New Year’s Eve with cakes, gifts and wine. This is the first time in months that the house is filled with laughter. And what more could I ask for than being the toast of the evening.

15th April 2008
In 2007, this day I had baked a Chocolate Cake for Ellie myself. After all, she had turned twelve and was entering her teen. I couldn’t celebrate it last year due to the treatments and illness. Even though Josh has been trying hard to impress Ellie today on her 15th Birthday, she somehow looks lost and gloomy to me. Eddie did confess that he is tired trying to make Ellie happy.

23rd June 2008
I had promised Eddie that today I had bake him his favourite Cake. Little did I know, my countdown had already begun? Strangely, Eddie is all happy and having fun on his 11th Birthday. Josh is thanking his stars that his charm is working on Edward unlike Ellie. She seems to have become all the more stubborn. I hope Josh can deal with her Teenage mood swings.

1st July 2008
Every year when I was around, I had to literally remind him of our anniversary. It is so absurd that this year when I am no more he remembers it all by himself. How I wish he didn’t.

26th August 2008
They lit a candle, prayed and thought of me before getting back to their usual  routine. I must say quiet a lot has changed in one year. They are moving on.

31st Dec 2008
Quiet a lot of plans done for New Year. More friends are coming in with families and what a treat it is to see them happy and smiling. By the way, I realize it is some time that Eddie has had his usual conversation with me.

16th Mar 2009
They have all gone to their Grand Parents’. I off late notice that Josh doesn’t wear the Wedding ring anymore. I should be happy I guess.

26th August 2009
2 years on. Ellie is at her friend’s place. Josh and Eddie have gone fishing. But, I hear them separately and silently remembering me. I sense a lot of problems in bonding between the three.

22nd Feb 2010
I wish there was less of this chaos. Ellie wants to move in separately considering herself to be grown up. Josh has lost his patience completely and has asked her to do what she thinks is best. I am devastated that Eddie too has begun his routine of smokes and drinks. Wonder where all of it is leading to.

13th March 2010
Finally, Ellie left yesterday after all the daily arguments and abuses. Guess, she forgot to carry a picture of mine. Josh seems to be completely out of focus and is disturbed. More than anything, I see a new ring on Josh’s finger. Eddie and Josh don’t speak as often as before. They both are never home at the same time unless they are sleeping.

26th August 2009
Three years on! Guess they don’t remember things anymore. Josh was on a conversation with someone saying he wants to move out of this place. Well! I wonder if he is going to take my picture. Meanwhile, Eddie has dropped in after long only to collect all his belongings and move out. A look at him and I can say he is taken onto drugs.

15th October 2009
Josh has hired out a new place and I see him coming in every week to collect a few of his belongings. I certainly don’t belong in there anymore because I am still hanging on the wall here. It was comforting to find him talk to both Ellie and Eddie on the phone but distressing to know he is planning to sell the house.

1st January 2010
I see the Fireworks. It must be the New Year but my place is dusted and so is my picture. Cobwebs surround my lovely house and rats have made it their home. I didn’t know when the Christmas came and went by. Well! I see the real Estate folks coming in and showing the house to clients.

2nd March 2010 @ 11.30 AM
All of them are here. I see my world together after so long. Eddie and Ellie have come to help their Dad move out with rest of his belongings. Finally, they are going to dust my picture and I can’t wait to go along. 

2nd March 2010 @ 4.30 PM
The house looks so empty. Most of the things are taken. Ellie seems to have grown up into a beautiful lady and looks responsible. She has been dusting and cleaning. Eddie too looks so fresh and smart. I guess he has come over drugs. Guess the good times are back. I overheard Josh apologizing to them for all the things that went wrong and asking their support to start on a new life. Well, they seem to agree.

2nd March 2010 @ 7.30 PM
They were almost done when I realized that they haven’t taken my picture. It was heartbreaking to see them leave the house. I heard Ellie say to Josh that she is going to miss the house and me. Little do they realize that, they are indeed leaving without me? My hopes finally left with Eddie when he re-entered the house and took one of the clocks along leaving me to rot here.

6th March 2010
New guys are in here and are on a cleaning spree. They threw all the old and unwanted stuffs left around. I see them coming towards me with a huge garbage bag. Well! In no time I would be thrown away too. After all, I am no more than a piece of furniture now.

Finally, they moved on just like I wanted. May be it doesn’t matter anymore. After all, Now I am just a picture hanging from the Wall!


September 11, 2012


You believe that you know me in & out,
And this you state without any doubt.
I refuse to accept in all that you profess,
Today in you and everyone I have to confess!

There is more to me,
Than what you or anyone can see.
Behind this calm visage,
Endures a sea of lunacy!

I am like the feelings which can’t be articulated,
 Like the words that you could by no means define.
Like the depth of the ocean you never discovered,
Like the mountain that was in no way conquered.

Like the tiny grains of sand,
That slipped right through your hand.

Your idea of me is just an illusion,
Perhaps a figment of your own imagination.
When I say this, you have to believe,
That truth is not always what you perceive!

I am like any other face in crowd,
An individual with perfection flawed.
Do not ever try to follow or understand me,
Let me be a secret, let me be a mystery!

P.S: I happened to read an interview of a family member of a suicide bomber. This poem could be perception of that suicide bomber who betrays even her own family.


September 3, 2012

Sulking Skill

My loyalty with my blog seems to be going amiss for some time now. It has been months that I have had that urge or longing to write. To be honest, this attempt is also in a way, me coercing myself to make an entry into my blog. Some of them did ask me as to what is keeping me so busy that I do not write often.

It is now that I have seriously begun thinking over as to why is it that I had begun blogging in the first place. I believe firstly you should know what kept you going for so long to find out the reason why you don’t enjoy it anymore. And I now realize that it was for the sheer contentment it gave me. Nothing more nothing less! Probably the main reason I loved it was because it wasn’t linked with money. It never came with any conditions, baggage or deadlines. People, who want, read it and also gave me ideas on how to better myself. Some turned out to be regular readers while others went away as accidently as they entered my site.  Nobody expected me to blog within a set time frame and I wasn’t answerable to anyone too. I loved it because there were no responsibilities attached to it. Blogging slowly began transforming into a world where I had neither expected anyone to stay nor to leave. It was more like Live and Let Live.  I loved it even more because my diary entries drastically reduced and I didn’t need to find a place to hide it. ;)

Guess, it is important for all of us to do something not solely because it is expected out of us or because it is the most rightful thing and certainly not because it is a responsibility. Phew! There should be something you do only because you want it and for the love of it. Blogging was just that for me.

In recent times, I have lost that sense of gratification though. The only reason to this, I feel is repetitiveness. Whenever, I felt monotony killing me, I would blog for a change. But now, I guess this too has added itself in the list of repeating and is boring the hell out of me. Couple of readers did ask me if I wanted to write for some magazines or publications, the offer which I have politely declined. One viewpoint I always have is that the moment you attach money to something you love, it will ruin it totally. Moreover, I am sure that I will be at my worst display, if there were any topics specified on which I am supposed to write. I cannot survive on my writing skills with any set boundaries or walls. This is the exact reason I believe that I am not a great writer. I tried my hand in poetry, fictions, and short stories and actually took onto it on serious note when I realized people around me like it too.

one of the sketches I drew during a break in office.

Even before blogging I had chosen sketching to rescue me from the misery of uniformity. I could sketch in my room watching a movie and also my office desk during a break. Oddly, it did not succeed to keep me engrossed for long. I wondered why, until I took onto writing. The main reason would be because you can get trained in everything like Sketching, Painting, Singing, Dancing and Cooking. But writing isn’t the same. You can learn the grammar; you can be trained on what are nouns and adjectives. But, none can train you on how to write or maintain a flow in what you write which can keep the reader immersed.

Writing, I realized has the power where you can completely grab another’s attention into your work. You are capable of making the reader imagine things the way you want them to. They will have to read every line and page of what you have written to actually follow the ending. Whoa! That’s quite a lot of power. I do not believe in power that comes with position but this is purely flair! Devine in a way.
If this too isn’t able to keep me going, I wonder what will.

Muchas Gracious :)

July 24, 2012


Apologies! For taking such a long time to come up with the sequel. I guess it’s only when I attempt writing fictions that all the work in the world awaits me to honor them. I was engrossed in lots of stuffs happening lately, but now am back and hope you guys like it! J

You can read first part here- DECODING 1

I was shocked to learn that they took me in for questioning and that Miranda had said that she suspects some guy who was to be attending the prom along with Allison. This time I was taken into a room which had a different ambience altogether. I was left there alone for approximately an hour. I knew that I was being observed and ensured not to give them too much doubts and invite trouble for myself. They could be observing through the cameras or the glass walls. Finally, they came in for round of questioning when they realized that it will not be of much help.

“Why do you suspect Miranda?” Mr. Joshua enquired.

I smiled and replied that- “It is not a doubt but am sure. Infact we all should have been by now.”

“State the reason why do you think she would harm her own sister when she has lost her entire family already?” questioned Mr. Taylor.

“That is for you to find out.” I said showing a complete disinterest as I felt the investigation was going snailish.

“We request you to co-operate Ms. Miller” said Mr. Joshua when a knock distracted all of us.

There was a man in his late fifties. Short by stature, he entered the room smoking a cigar and the left hand held onto his back. All I remember is being in a state of shock and I froze. I couldn’t believe that I am seeing someone I detested for 9 long years. He looked the same apart for some hair loss. A hurricane of questions and thoughts ran through my mind. But, I knew that I had to remain calm because the last thing I wanted was him to recognize me. Introducing himself and offering a handshake Mr. Murray sat adjacent to me. I looked at him and replied without giving a chance for slightest of the doubts- “Katherine Miller”. Throughout the questioning I could say that he had failed to recognize me. After all it was many years now and he would have been very happy to leave all of it behind unlike me. All my life I had been petrified that this very person may find out my whereabouts and today when I was doing the most right thing he had to be there and screw it all up. I always believed that he was solely responsible that I had to become Katherine Miller against the Evelyn Carter that I truly am.

After some more questioning when I felt that I could no more pay heed to the lame questions, I asked- “Can I do the talking without any interruption for 10 minutes. I am sure it will only be of help.”

They seemed to be a little out of place but I did not care to wait for a yes. I continued- “The first time this doubt raised was when Miranda said that she was unaware of Allison’s accident.”

“Reason?” asked Mr. Murray.

I took a deep breath I revealed- “Grace had told me that she learnt about Allison’s state through Miranda’s roommate, who claims to have got the information through Miranda herself. So, why did Miranda tell us that she was unaware of the whole thing?”

“How can you zero down on her as a suspect merely with this doubt?” Mr. Taylor questioned.

I continued- “Miranda claimed that she has directly come from Dayton. The reason for suspicion is that I spoke to her almost an hour and half before she came to the hospital when she claimed to still be in Dayton.” (Saying this I showed my call lists from the Phone.)  “It is very evident that it’s not possible since Dayton is atleast a three and a half hour drive from Cleveland. Logically there can be only two facts. Either despite lying about the location she could be innocent or she is completely guilty. I know it is the latter because of the soil on the floor.”

“Soil?” said all the officials unanimously.

I continued- “Yes! It was the same soil I had seen when I met Grace in the hostel. She had pointed to the corner of the building which was right below the window of the room where Miranda stayed when I asked about it.”

“I am afraid that has nothing to prove in this case” said Mr. Murray.

That was no surprise. My Dad always told me that this man would never agree to things easily only to find out later that Mr. Murray couldn’t since he always involved in the wrong stuff. My Dad Benjamin Carter served the FBI for 19 years until one fatal day he was found dead in his office. Mr. Murray had found him collapsed in his chair late night with a single shot on his forehead. The FBI ran an investigation and within a week declared it a suicide. Not only was I sure that it was untrue but I had some information to prove that too. Needless to say, I had grown up listening to the crime cases and the way it was solved. One thing my Dad always believed was that any crime can be solved with a chain of facts that comprises all the events occurred in the exact manner as it had occurred without making an allowance for possibilities. The only step was to find out the exact series of events that took place. I had done just that to find out that my Dad’s sudden death in his office was no accident but a planned murder. I was only 14 then and had invited danger to myself by mentioning this to the same Mr. Murray who right now sat before me and then was a colleague of Dad’s.

Regaining my senses and ensuring not to maintain too much of an eye contact with him, I continued- “Well! That has got everything to do with this case provided you had observed the same soil all over Allison’s hospital room after Miranda arrived. Also if you had cared to notice the same in my red gown which Allison wore to the prom. It was the same soil which was found in Miranda’s room when I went to enquire about her.”

There was a bang on the desk by Mr. Taylor. “For God’s sake Ms. Miller, Are we exploring this case with basis of a random soil? A girl is in coma. I hope you realize that. What you are saying just seems like a co-incidence.”

“Go on” I said “Tell me your suggestions on this one considering how important you feel the case is. You guys didn’t even know about a twin sister who existed. Did you?”

Response to this was a mere silence.

“I guess I can continue then” I said “If you had observed vigilantly you would find that the soil is not in a powdered form like any normal soil but like granules. When I stepped into the restroom after Grace had washed her feet, I had observed that the soil hadn’t powered off or dissolved in water which was strange. It still retained its original form. My knowledge says that it’s because it is aqua soil which is used for the Aquariums.”

I knew they did not have a clue as to what I was talking about. The officers today were so unlike my Dad whose traits and knowledge had helped him solve cases and today is helping me for sure. Continuing I said- “Allison had gifted Miranda an aquarium just a week ago. I also remember listening to a conversation Miranda had with Mr. Fletcher our Gardner about the kind of soil to be used for the aquarium and that she was planning to decorate it.”

By now, Mr. Joshua seemed to be listening rather attentively. Mr. Taylor looked surprised and Mr. Murray just stared at me. The same way he did when I told him about the information. After which, I had received numerous death threats since people responsible for my Dad’s murder opined that I knew something that I probably shouldn’t have. It was finally decided by United Sates Marshal Service that I will have to enroll for a Witness protection program. That is how the Evelyn Carter from LA, California turned out to be Katherine Miller in Cleveland, Ohio. I always knew that he was somehow involved in it but had also accepted in the 13 years which followed that I am too small to be fighting the people involved in it.

Again realizing that I am getting unfocused I continued- “When I was in Miranda’s room talking to her roommate, I couldn’t help but notice the new additions in the Aquarium which was the Beautiful Singapore Guppies. All the fishes were hale and hearty. I am mentioning this exclusively because Miranda’s roommate had just arrived after a weeklong vacation. Hence, the question is if she was out for a week and so was Miranda attending a cultural fest which had begun three days before according to the sources I know; how is it that there are new fishes and as lively as before. The aquarium still did not have any filtering mechanism in place and had 15 fishes in it. If the aquarium wasn’t cleaned and there was no food for last 3 days it is obvious that the fishes should have died.”

Mr. Joshua interrupted and asked-“Do you know where Miranda is now?”

“The last I saw her was in the hospital” I answered. “I don’t know if it is only Miranda who is responsible for this. But I am certain that she has a role in it. Moreover as a person she excels in hiding emotions. I say that because I had overheard Allison and Miranda quarrel over me. Miranda blamed me for their sisterly relation falling apart. But not for once did she actually behave with any anger or negativity towards me. Even though I don’t know the reason I suspect that this whole thing was meant for me. Allison was pushed from the behind and her entire attire was mine. I suspect a big possibility of a mistaken identity”

They all looked at one another and took down some points.

That was when I took a deep breath and said- “My gown was a full sleeved one and the right sleeve is in tatters. Well! I not only found bruises in Allison’s right hand but also opine that the person who pushed her also tried to hold onto her after realizing the mistake. But I guess it…”

The distraction now was of loud footsteps near the door. As we turned around we saw some men barge in. The next thing I knew was that 5 Senior FBI officials who came in had handcuffed me and thanked Mr. Murray for helping them find out a criminal who was responsible for mass murders. I couldn’t follow a thing that was happening and in the process of being dragged out I sensed that Mr. Murray probably too didn’t. The police car I was in sped off the next second. There was no room for any questions. Things were happening too fast to sink in.  I sat quietly until the car came to an abrupt halt. A man in his late forties entered instructing everyone to move out after removing the handcuffs.

“Here” he said to me “Take these documents. Go through it carefully Ms. Holmes.”

I felt a little relieved and told- “Sorry, but I guess there is a mistake officer. I am..”

Just in time he interfered and said-“I am sorry. Let me tell you that from now on you are Olivia Holmes from Charlotte, North Carolina. Remember not to get into any of such activities without informing the officials from witness protection program. You have no idea what you are putting yourself and us into.”

I was baffled. All I could manage saying is “I was just trying to find out .. Ok! You cannot do this to me again. I am not going to relive my whole life with a new identity yet again in some godforsaken Carolina...”.

He was all the stronger when he interfered this time and said- “You have left us little choice dear and who said you are going to Carolina. Did I not tell you that is where you had lived your childhood? Say so when anyone asks about your upbringing. Right now you are enrolled for a college in Ithaca. Any queries call me on this number” he said handing over a card to me. “Have a safe flight”.

I was immediately deported to Ithaca, NY. Even though I didn’t have a chance to bid a final Goodbye to Allison, for the last two months, I have tried to follow every minute detail of the proceedings. Miranda and a friend of hers have been found guilty and have been charged with murder under Penal Code 187.  Mr. Murray has taken all the credit for the investigation being successful. The case had been solved the exact way as I predicted. Allison had been pushed through the stairs by Miranda and her friend who were under the influence of alcohol assuming it was me. The prank had turned fatal since Allison had got seizures after hitting her head onto a rock. They had both left her to die all through her seizures.

Two weeks ago, Allison succumbed. She never woke up from the deep sleep she had gotten into. As I told earlier, I sometimes wish I could cry my heart out. I guess until she was alive atleast I could relate to the “Katherine Miller” I once was. Now, it makes no difference. But, I promise myself that Olivia Holmes is going to achieve something that Katherine and Evelyn failed to.

As I enter the busy street in Ithaca, I again become one among the crowd thinking to myself that if I could solve a case like this, I am sure I can find out my Dad’s killers too. I am done with different identities and want to reach out to that one person who is a basic reason for all of it. As I walk into the fog engulfed park I whisper to myself- “Mr. Murray! See you soon!.” 


June 23, 2012


I knew revealing the name meant “DANGER” to me personally. I confess that I did think over it in the beginning. But then she was the only friend I had. She was more than a family member to me and not a mere friend or a roommate. How could I be quiet about the facts then?

“Miranda” is what I had told the FBI agent standing outside Allison’s hospital room.

Unable to follow me she had asked if I cared to repeat.

“Prime suspect is Miranda.” I said louder than before maintaining a direct eye contact.

Giving me a suspicious look, she asked me to follow her to her boss. I am here since then and they have been questioning me on this for the last 28 hours. All I can do is laugh at them because the prime suspect is still out, free and blissfully ignorant of how the world is turning against her.

It was four days ago that I had received a call from a mate informing that Allison has had an accident and is hospitalized. I was completely taken aback. I parked my car on the side for about 10 minutes to regain my senses. Without wasting any more time, I held onto the reverse gear, turned the steering wheel to the right, hit the accelerator and was on my way back to Cleveland, Ohio. I could not leave her alone solely because without her I would have been a loner myself and I know how much that sucks. Just outside the hospital, I brought her favorite white lilies. It had taken me an entire 6 hours to drive back to Cleveland and I had not got any update on her condition.

Entering into her room was not as easy as I thought. There were FBI officials all over the floor. They demanded ID card and details of every visitor. I was no exception. I remember divulging a little too many details about myself than asked for and also sensing a suspicious look from the face of the exact FBI agent I had revealed my statement to. With a little shaky voice, I had told “Hi! I am K- Kr- Katherine Miller”. Finally, when I got into the room the sight before me almost took my breath away. It did not take too much time for me to realize that she is in Coma. A nurse came by and whispered into my ears- “That was quiet a fall I must say. Since you are the first visitor to come in, I think I should tell you that she has hurt her head quiet bad.” I had looked at her with tears in my eyes and then barged out of the room. Thankfully, no one stopped me. I remember sitting in my Car the entire night sipping coffee. A lot of emotions took over me but as always somehow, I couldn’t cry out loud and make myself light.

The call from the FBI forced me to go back to the room, freshen up and meet them at the FBI office. My hostel was functioning as always. Mrs. Lewis was sweeping all the leaves that had fallen the previous day while Mr. Fletcher was completely involved in Gardening and there were some students around. It was when I got out of my Car that I heard someone calling out my name. I knew it had to be Grace since I did not really have friends around except Allison who was hospitalized and Grace.

Not even waiting to take a breath and panting heavily she said- “She fell through that stairs as she was heading outside to meet someone. Anyways, where have you been the whole night? I couldn’t believe they let you see Allison. None of us were let in. Anyways, how is she doing?”

I looked at her feet and replied- “She is in bad shape.”

She then pointed to a corner and said that the black soil was from there and she had accidently stepped into it. I just smiled in return and informed her that I had to leave to the FBI in some time. As she accompanied me to my room and tried discussing what had actually happened to Allison. I had to ask her to stop talking in the corridors and that we would discuss it in the room. It seemed like she was dying to speak her heart out. On reaching, she slammed the door behind her and was about to sit on the chair, when I insisted her to clean her feet. While she was away, I took a clear view of our twin shared room. Nothing seemed out of place.

“There was not a single drop of blood Katherine” Grace yelled as she came out of the restroom. “I can’t believe she is in Coma.”

“Internal Hemorrhage” I said unloading my luggage and ensuring that her feet is clean.

“intern… what?” She continued. “How do you know so many things Kate?”

As soon as I stepped into the restroom I stepped out, turned around and asked Grace- “How did you know about Allison being in Coma?”

“Through Miranda’s roommate” was her instant reply.

Miranda was Allison’s identical twin. Though they both had very different aspirations and circle of friends, they were amicable to each other. I couldn’t help but worry on Miranda’s whereabouts when Grace claimed that she couldn’t get in touch with Miranda. I was rejuvenated after a bath and another cup of Caffeine. Later, I went to check on Miranda’s roommate who had just returned from an entire week holiday and learnt that she has been to Dayton for a cultural fest. The next very second I was on my way to the FBI.

Mr. Joshua greeted me into his office where another 3 officials were already seated. Minutes into the conversation I had realized that they are not only far from identifying the criminal but also where nowhere close to the specifics. Flabbergasted to learn that they had not known about Miranda until I mentioned it, I couldn’t help but mention that it was very disheartening to see them investigating it with such low gusto. I was then asked to leave with an intimation that I can be called in anytime. As I drove to the hospital, I received a call from Miranda. Another shocker came in when I heard that she wasn’t aware anything about Allison. Finally, she dropped the call telling she will come in directly to the hospital.

It was almost one and a half hour that I was sitting in a chair adjacent to Allison. I had gulped 2 cups of Caffeine more, read some pages of bible, on a very low pitch played her favorite Jukebox Hero by Foreigner from my cell phone when there was a knock on the door. A FBI agent came in and handed over to me all of Allison’s belongings ensuring to inform that they have just arrived from the forensic department. I took them and unsealed the cover only to notice that Allison was wearing my Red Gown which was now tattered. On a detailed check I observed that the black stilettos, the pearl bracelet and the silver pendant were all mine. I couldn’t make sense of anything and looked over to Allison with a blank expression. She couldn’t help me out too. As I sat down, I recollected that Allison had mentioned about going to a prom and had checked if she could wear my gown. Sadly, either she hadn’t mentioned when it was or it was me who couldn’t recollect. It was right then that Miranda arrived.

She barged in and went right to Allison and began to cry. I have always screwed up trying to console people and chose to remain quiet noticing the some strange footprints on the floor. Just then, Miranda looked up to thank me and said that she had to directly come from Dayton as she was the only one for Allison since their parents had passed away in a crash 3 years ago. She also mentioned that she had reached half an hour back but FBI wouldn’t let her in until the questioning was done. I was completely bemused considering what I was discovering. Even though she kept mumbling things I chose to walk out of the room.

On finding the FBI agent outside I had told initially with disbelief and later with conviction- “MIRANDA”.

I know the threatening situation will now arise. After all when the investigation proceeds I will have to now reveal to them that I am not Katherine Miller.

To be continued....


June 12, 2012

Hitched for Life!!

Our houses were located just 2 kilometers apart. Since childhood, we have mostly attended the same local processions and temples festivals every year, had many common friends and am sure would have even bumped into each other but it would have gone unnoticed. I recollect my close friend often mentioning names of her school friends and this one name was always on the list. Eventually, it turned out that the three of us had enrolled for the same Entrance coaching classes. I still recall being disappointed one of the days when she couldn’t leave with me after the classes since she had plans with her school friends. Just like a picture out of an old album, I remember her waving to him indicating him to wait and had turned to tell me that’s RANJITH!!! :)

 Little did I know then, that this name and this person will have to play such a prominent role in my life! That day, I had just walked away smiling at both of them for courtesy’s sake, hiding my disappointment that I had to go home alone. It was after our 12th boards, during our vacations when my close friend called me up. All excited, thinking it’s about the movie confirmation plan; I lifted the phone and was shocked to hear a guy on the other end. There were loads of noises in the background of laughter, screams and amidst all this chaos he introduced himself as "Ranjith". Without even waiting for a response from my end, he began to ask if I would want to join them since they were all going for the same movie. By then, my friend snatched the phone away from him and repeated the same. With a confused look and a little annoyed again, I made an excuse and turned down the invite.
The plan was probably made by someone superior already that I couldn’t turn down things always. As fate would have it, all of us ended up in the same class for graduation and that was 3 years more to go. The first thing I remember wondering was that why is it that I alone had to put in loads of effort to be friends with this guy as compared to others? But by the second year, we were part of the same gang. Thinking back now, I realize that we both were the opposites, if I chose to remain quiet amidst people, he moved the crowd. If I felt making fun of people is not always a great idea, the credit for the pranks totally went to him. We can spend days talking about the pranks he has played on me. Now, I know as to why was I his favorite target. The only thing common was that we considered and claimed that love is just a waste of time. The last thing that crossed our minds was falling for each other.
By the end of 3 long years, the person who according to me was unfriendly a year ago had somehow become a good friend. Moving on with life, I concentrated on what next and he moved to Bangalore.  It was some time after degree that he did confess about it indirectly, but I turned it down again!! I guess this time that superior someone would have been all the more annoyed that things aren’t working after all his efforts. I did not personally believe in any trial and error method of let us give it a try. To give him a yes, I had to be convinced that I can give it my 100%. Strangely enough, I was glad that we were going are separate ways, since I thought all this craziness will subside with time. Little did we know that soon our paths would meet never to depart again? His indirect proposal had taken it’s much predicted route. It took its toll on our friendship and communication was all time low. It took another year for me to be my normal self with him. I must say that he did not let go of the very next opportunity he got to bring up the same discussion. Finally, after running out of all the reasons as to why it will not work, I gave him a ““You really think so?” and a giggle from my end. And there he was, not even wanting a decent “YES”.
This news was well received by our gang of friends and also hinted that things would remain positive. More than a year later, we got a green signal from our parents too. Life has been a total bliss since then, atleast in this aspect. Today, I am proud to have these friends and such a wonderful family who have been supportive of us all this while. I never chose to believe in destiny or fate, probably I never had a reason to. Surprisingly, looking back on life today, I can’t help but acknowledge the fact that something superior (God or positive force) had planned it all even before we met each other. It was all being planned and winded up so smartly around both of us that we who always claimed love as a waste of time fell for each other. It was a day in June that I gave him “strange” yes and it was in the same month “June 12 2011” years later that we got married. Having said all this, I doubt if it was ever our story, it is that someone above or something superior’s story. We were/are just playing our roles, from friends and Partners in pranks to Best friends and Soul-Mates in Life.
But, Yeah! One year to the wedding, am sure that we are playing it the best way we know!!! :)
Happily Married!

June 9, 2012

Eyes with a hidden story

That picture has given me sleepless nights! I came across this picture when I was surfing the net and then spent hours and days on knowing about this girl from some remote village in Columbia. Those eyes have a painful story hidden in it.

It was a heart wrenching story that I found out. Omayra Sanchez, a 13 year old lived with her parents, her little brother and an aunt in Aremero, Columbia. On November 13, 1985 there was a volcanic eruption which killed more than 25000 people in Colombia. It is known as the “Armero tragedy”. Out of the thousands who had died, it was only this girl’s agony that shook the world and am sure will continue to do so. Frank Fournier, a professional photographer had landed in the village Bogota on November 15th and travelled to Armero. He claimed to have been directed by a farmer towards Omayra who at the time was almost deserted since it was already three days that she was trapped. What he saw before him was a sight of anguish and pain which he named the photograph “The agony of Omayra Sanchez”.

It was at night that Omayra and her family was awakened by the noises of the mudflow.  They all knew that they had to run to a higher ground to save themselves from the debris flowing after a volcano had erupted. It was during this time that Omayra had stopped to help her little brother and ended up trapped in the debris of her own house. She remained there for the next three days trapped upto her neck under mud, concrete and water. The paramedics team realized that her legs were bound in such a manner that the only solution would be to amputate it. But, even to begin that procedure they had to drain out the water and required pumps. The Red Cross workers had appealed to the Government for a pump, but their pleas went unanswered.  It was after 2 days of struggle to save her that the rescuers finally gave up and spent the remaining time praying for her. Throughout these three days she remained brave. She sang, spoke about returning to her school and also agreed to be interviewed. By the third night, Omayra had begun to hallucinate. More than 60 hours after the exposure she succumbed to Gangrene and Hypothermia. She passed away only 2 hours after the arrival of the pump as requested by the “red cross workers”.

Television coverage of the disaster had introduced Omayra to the world when she was still alive. As the photograph did rounds in the newspapers and channels, it caused controversy because of the photographer’s decision to take the picture and somewhere also displayed the failure of the Columbian Government. The volcano Nevado del Ruiz is still active but has no towns located nearby. The city Armero no longer exists and has been turned into the memorial of the disaster. Omayrah’s father too passed away in the tragedy. Her Mother and Brother still live in Columbia.

I do not want to get into questioning the photographer for this picture. This was not horrifying as the one clicked by the Kevin Carter in 1993 in Sudan. I believe that if people like me, who weren't even born when this tragedy occurred, are aware of this incident, it is solely because of this picture. This is forever going to remain in my memory. It has almost become a culture for us to criticize any picture that has been taken. But, I believe that there are some instances unlike the one in Sudan where the photographer too cannot be of much help. It has helped highlight the irresponsibility of the Government. I agree that "A picture speaks a thousand words." But I guess this one tells a lot more.

May her soul rest in peace.


May 21, 2012

In Actuality!

This was written by me some years back. Having found this the other day in my diary, I felt that this was probably worth an entry into my blog unlike the others. This is neither an article nor a poem alone, but a combination of both. I guess the cluelessness, somewhere also resembles my state of mind then. Wonder why did I let dust to settle on this all this while?

I tell you that I am afraid of heights,
And without a doubt you believe,
When in reality I am just afraid of Falling,
Now, tell me did I deceive?

I say to you that I hate silence,
And in me, you blindly trust,
Actually I am scared of the void it creates,
Please let me know if I was unjust?

Today, I shall confide in you that,

It is not the turbulent waves that scare me,
But my capacity to resist them!
It is not the trust that worries me,
But the damage it would cause if I am ever let down!

I am not apprehensive to walk together,
But afraid that you might just disappear!
I am not petrified to cry,
But wonder if the world will laugh at my tears!

I am not terrified to dream,
But I am fearful of having to wake up again!
It is not the darkness I detest,
But am perturbed about what might be hiding within!

The confrontation is not what bothers me,
As much as the fact of being misunderstood yet again!
I am not afraid of hanging on
But to live yet another lie in vain!

It doesn’t matter to let go,
But worry of leaving a major part of me behind!

And so,
I stay away from heights,
try to befriend silence,
I run away from signs of turbulence,
And turn away from trust,
I attempt to walk alone,
Strive to hide my tears,
I lock my dreams away,
And shield myself from love,
I dare not explore darkness,
Hesitate to confront,
I am reluctant to hang on,
And am unable to let go!

My fears might be misinterpreted but that still makes me a coward, doesn't it?